Learning to Appreciate Situational Friendships
Jennette McCurdy, an anime about an immortal, and how they both helped me come to terms with the process of losing friends while getting older.
“I don’t like knowing people in the context of things. Oh, that’s the person I work with. That’s the person I’m in a book club with. That’s the person I did that show with. Because once the context ends, so does the friendship. I yearn to know the people I love deeply and intimately—without context, without boxes—and I yearn for them to know me that way, too.”
— Jennette McCurdy, I’m Glad My Mom Died (2022)
At the time that I’m writing to you, dear friend, I’m steadily making my way through Jennette’s debut memoir. If you’ve already given it a read for yourself, I’m sure you’ll agree with me when I say that the vulnerability she’s poured out onto the pages has been unbelievable—from opening up about navigating and surviving an abusive narcissist for a mother, to touching on life as a child star and growing up in the limelight. I don’t intend to review the book because casting judgments on memoirs has always been a bit of an odd practice to me, but I will be talking about that above quote.
Like a barcode sticker on the bottom of a plastic container, the quote has stuck with me and is refusing to come off, especially at the current phase of my life where I find myself trying to survive my twenties [crowd murmurs].
First, I think it’s important for me to make it clear that I’m not one of those introverts that quiver and quake in the face of meeting people. I’m actually quite good at it, at the song and dance of introducing myself to strangers and getting to know them. Instead, I’ve found that it’s the keeping aspect of friendships that I’ve been struggling with lately.
Most of the people in my life exist in a contextual box labelled “School.”
Primary school from ages 5 to 11. Secondary school from ages 11 to 16. Sixth form/college from ages 17 to 18. University from ages 19 to 21.
In the context of these institutions, making and keeping friends was easy. All of us are in the same place, around the same age, taking the same classes—it seems almost impossible to leave such conditions without having at least one person that you’ve grown friendly with. But, now that I’ve shed the student identity and I’ve been forced to fully adopt the role of an adult, it’s less about making friends for me (because who really has the time for that in this economy) and more about maintaining the ones I already have.
But it’s hard.
You see, during my time at university I gravitated towards a lot of international students. Meaning that upon graduation that comfortable, cardboard box labelled university was torn apart by the reality that almost all of them had to move back home–not across cities, but across entire oceans, entire countries.
Before you say anything, trust me, I know, we have social media, and I (alongside you, I presume) have several great, strong online friendships. But, I’ve found that not all friendships can survive the irl to online mutual shift. Twitter cannot replace holding each other’s hair in a club toilet after getting a little too excited by the student deal on shots; Instagram amounts to nothing next to sharing a Sainsbury’s meal deal after pulling an all-nighter at the library; and Snapchat…well…what serious candidate still uses Snapchat?
So, when these otherwise perfect friendships are made to adjust to online spaces and they fail…it can be really painful. Unbelievably painful.
I would much prefer losing a friend because of an argument rather than losing one because of timezones or distance but unfortunately, it’s the latter that we find ourselves dealing with more and more as we grow older.
It may be even more distressing for people like me, who grew up with their parents telling them that university is where you make friends for life. Unfortunately, sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed at making lasting connections, that the relationships that I did form mean nothing because they couldn’t stand the test of time, of distance, of looming adulthood. I would, then, remember a discussion that occurred on TikTok a while ago, where people argued that there are different levels and tiers to friendships:
This discussion suggested that situational “friends” existed in a murky space between “friend” and mere “acquaintance,” which then led to the conclusion that situational friends and real friends were entirely separate entities, with the latter being viewed as more valuable.
When I first accepted this line of thought, I found myself asking why it was so difficult for me to push my relationships to the very peak of the triangle. To be honest with you, dwelling on this pushed me into a state of grieving. The whole five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. It’s that final stage of acceptance that I’m engaging with while writing this post and, surprisingly, it was the act of rewatching a favourite anime of mine that helped me get to this point.
Because I want you to add this show to your watch list, I’ll keep spoilers as far away from you as possible. Still, a summary is needed:
To Your Eternity follows Fushi, an immortal being, sent to Earth to learn about humanity and life on the planet. This learning process occurs through him taking the form of all humans and animals he meets on his journey. Unfortunately, this only happens once they’ve died.
As you can probably tell from the premise, the show is a major tear-jerker. However, even while wiping my tears and blowing my nose into my sleeve, I couldn’t ignore how beautiful the show and its overall message was. I re-watched it at a perfect time because it really did shift my perspective on contextual/situational friendships. Rather than me beating myself up, growing resentful and feeling like a friendship-failure in response to losing friends, I started to look at the past with far kinder eyes.
Like Fushi, I, too, have experienced and will continue to experience meaningful yet momentary relationships–it’s important to accept that that’s just a part of life. Like Fushi, it’s likely that I’ll cry and grieve the losses of these connections–I’m human after all, and there’s nothing wrong with being upset. But also, like Fushi, I’ll gain strength and knowledge from the past, from these old friends, from all the moments shared between us.
Each and every single one of us are living, breathing mosaics of our relationships: those that are active, those that are dormant, and those that have long-since died out.
I’m not saying this to disagree with Jennette’s admission of wanting to know people deeply, intimately, and for longer periods of time, because that’s still a goal of mine. Instead, the conclusion that I’m trying to draw you to is one where you (and I, honestly) learn to not devalue past relationships just because they exist in the past or because they exist in contextual backgrounds. Rather than accepting the notion that situational friendships and real friendships are separate things, I, instead, reject it and label it as a harmful reduction. I refuse to accept that the moments shared between me and the people of my close-past were void of truth just because they occurred against a very specific backdrop. If I were to accept that, I wouldn’t only be doing a disservice to the friends in question, but I would also be doing a disservice to myself, to the parts of myself that I shared, to all the emotions I felt throughout the connection.
So if you have any friendships that exist in boxes don’t discard them, store them. Hoard them. Keep them all safe in your attic, knowing you can always journey up the ladder, un-seal a lid and peruse through the beautiful memories that you’ve been lucky enough to make because…seriously…
What a pleasure it is to have loved, to have been loved, even if it was just for a time.
Things I Recommend You Read:
I’m Glad my Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton
There Are 4 Levels of Friendship, and Knowing Each Can Improve *All of Your Relationships
Things I Recommend You Watch:
To Your Eternity (Fumetsu no Anata e)
Things I Recommend You Listen To:
I love this so, so much. I related in so many aspects, and felt validated. I think, it's still a long way for me to be on that acceptance stage, but your point of view cleared some cobwebbed thoughts inside my head. Thank you for this 🤍
Absolutely loved this read! It's something we all experience but can't always put it into words. Thank you for yet another great article! ❤